I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Randomize
