sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
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Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
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Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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