Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
