I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
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