so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
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