3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
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