I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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