sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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