well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Randomize
