it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
