all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
