One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Randomize
