you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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