Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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