MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
