I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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