i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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