totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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