i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
