i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
