I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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