I just pynch a tree in the face
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
