I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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