There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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