"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
