I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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