I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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