Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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