I smell stomach acid.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
