just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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