you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
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