im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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