i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
