I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
