her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
