But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
