Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
