I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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