Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
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i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
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I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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