It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I currently don't understand fingers.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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