The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
bring money and cleavage
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
