dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
