I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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