i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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