i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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