I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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