two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
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He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
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Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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