She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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