i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize
