I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
