i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
