I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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