Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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