You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
