There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
