I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
